You need to calm down

When people ask me about Enneagram Nines, my shorthand response is that nines exist to stop the rest of us from killing each other. (Twos, I know you’d never kill anyone. I’m generalising.) 

Sweet Nines, we see you and your desire for harmony and peace. We see you looking for points of connection and we see your attempts to create emotional stability in yourself and in the world.

We also see you not putting forth your opinions sometimes, as you wait to hear other people’s preferences. We watch you merge with others and we want to call out; ‘Please come back! We love you. We value your ideas!’

Each Enneagram point has a high attunement to something. For Nines, it's conflict. They tend to notice even subtle signs of tension. The moment they sense any sign of discord, they will take action, even unconsciously, to return things to a place of emotional stability and regulation.

Side note 1; the fact that this can happen unconsciously, is why people often mistype. These kinds of habits can be so ingrained that they become invisible to the person performing them.

Side note 2; I have seen many people jump to the conclusion that they’re a Nine the minute they hear the words ‘conflict avoidant’. Please note, dear reader, that Twos, Sevens and Sixes (in some instances) are also conflict avoidant, for different reasons.

What makes a Nine a Nine is their deep desire for ease and connection.

In contrast:

• a Seven wants to avoid conflict because it disrupts their fun and joy (although as a Seven, sometimes I have found that Sevens can see conflict as fun 1 so the key here is, as long as there’s joy in it a Seven will stick around),

• a Six wants to avoid conflict because they don’t want to feel unsafe or like they don’t belong (noting that a counter-phobic six will lean into confrontation, challenging their fears head-on in an attempt to overcome anxiety and uncertainty), and

• a Two wants to avoid conflict because they want to be seen as helpful and indispensable to others.

But back to the Nines. Nines will often merge with others' viewpoints or become passive to prevent conflict.

This is why sometimes, it can feel a bit like reaching a void when asking Nines for their opinion.

‘I don’t mind’ they say.

‘But do you have a preference?’ inquires one of the more decisive Enneagram points.

‘Not really’ they respond, and they genuinely mean it.

When your highest priority is emotional regulation what you focus on is… emotional regulation. Whatever will get you there is what you want.

So Nines go with the flow. A lot.

 

The thing that can trip up a Nine is the presumption that they’re keeping the peace for everyone else. In truth, they need the peace for themselves. Their behaviour is deeply rooted in their own need for inner calm.

I’m married to an Enneagram One who, from time to time, leans into his Nine tendencies. When that happens, he can be heard saying ‘Calm down’ to someone in the family. In almost every instance, the person he’s speaking to is already pretty calm. But because something has caused agitation for him, he pushes the ‘calm’ button on everyone around him.

Whenever that happens, I have to remind him, ‘The disharmony you’re talking about is within. Turn inward.’

Nines in storytelling

In storytelling, our Nines show up as characters who serve as mediators, peacekeepers, or those who struggle to assert themselves. Some examples include; Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien, Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee, and Beth March from Little Women by Louisa May Alcott.

Literary genres that appeal to Nines include; contemplative and slice-of-life fiction (eg; My Name Is Lucy Barton by Elizabeth Strout), spiritual and philosophical nonfiction (such as The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle), nature writing (such as H is for Hawk by Helen Macdonald), and mythology (or anything that includes a search for meaning, such as The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho). For Nines who love listening, the podcast show On Being with Krista Tippett comes immediately to mind.

Industries that appreciate a Nine’s ability to create harmony, mediate conflicts, and bring calm to stressful environments include:

• counselling and therapy (where you can lean into your capacity to help people feel seen and understood)

• healthcare and nursing (thanks to your patience, compassion, and dedication to providing care)

• holistic wellness (which gives you the opportunity to lean into your deep attunement to others’ needs)

• human resources (where you can mediate disputes and are very good at creating an inclusive environment)

• customer service (where people feel seen, heard and attended to)

• diplomacy and conflict resolution (you’re naturally diplomatic and able to deliver neutral, unbiased communication)

• spiritual leadership and pastoral work (you’re great at providing counsel without specifically telling people what to do)

• nonprofit and humanitarian work (with an Eight wing that seeks to protect the underdog and a One wing that cares about social justice, you are bound - on some level - to feel a pull toward making the world a better place)

• animal care (leaning into your nurturing and patient nature), and

• environmental and conservation work (leaning into your need for balance, including between humans and nature).

Ultimately, any environment that values collaboration, diplomacy, and a sense of balance will serve a Nine. You particularly shine in roles that require patience, empathy, and attentiveness.

 

Nines, Expertise and Visibility Blocks

Nines can feel challenged by the idea of asserting themselves as an expert. For the Nines reading this, here are some ideas to ponder:

1. Your contribution is valuable. Sharing your expertise doesn't need to be confrontational and it doesn’t have to lead to conflict.

2. The fear of conflict creates one of your biggest visibility blocks and challenges to being seen as an expert. It can cause you to stay silent or downplay your opinions and contributions. This is a great shame because quiet leadership is powerful.

3. When you’re too focused on maintaining peace and blending in, you can overlook your own wisdom. The world misses out when you do this.

4. Constantly prioritising other people’s needs can cause you to neglect your own. It’s very helpful for you to identify the space between accommodation and over-accommodation. Every time you fall over the line into over-accommodation you will find yourself on the path to resentment and burnout. You can also fall into indecision and a lack of clarity about your own desires because other people’s desires are so prominent.

5. When tasks take you out of your comfort zone, you can fall into a space of low inertia where you stop taking proactive steps. Combine this with your Eight wing’s tendency to avoid taking steps that challenge its authority and it can be a recipe for a whole lot of stuck-ness.

6. I know that you fear that if you become too visible, you will be overwhelmed by external demands or expectations. Combine that with your desire to avoid rocking the boat and you can find yourself stuck. Again.

7. Let’s talk about merging for a moment. Merging isn’t a bad thing in and of itself, but if it means you’re unable to distinguish between yourself and other people, you will never find your own voice. This is a problem because you have a unique perspective that we need to hear.

8. You’re never going to differentiate yourself in your field if you’re constantly agreeing with everyone else or propping up other people’s voices.

9. Finally, I know you hate being told what to do. I know that when other people assert their expertise, it can feel overly dominating to you. Like they’re telling you what to do. You don’t need to assert your expertise the way they do. You can show up as the expert, guiding with compassion and wisdom.

As you’re working to overcome these challenges, I recommend taking small steps. Gently grow your tolerance for conflict. Take a chance and express your opinions in safe spaces first. Let your fear of future overwhelm be tomorrow’s problem and take one step today toward greater visibility. Most of all, remember your own needs. Put them first from time to time and notice how it feels. You might even find you like it!

To the rest of the Enneagram

If you’ve ever lived with a Nine, you will be familiar with their deep desire for autonomy and independence. You will have noticed that if you make a decision on their behalf, they’ll likely push back in their classically subtle way. Simultaneously, if you try and get around this by asking them about their desires, they can’t always articulate them. It can be quite confounding and well… infuriating at times.

 

You’ll also be familiar with their mastery in passive resistance (think procrastination, disengagement, or just silently choosing their own path) which can bring to a standstill any project you’re working on together.

When these things weigh on you, I’ve only got one tip; don’t push them. That will feel like conflict and they will not respond well. In fact, the more you push them, the more the sand will pile up around their heads.

For this reason, living with a Nine can feel like a masterclass in surrender. The more you attempt to control a situation, the more they’ll pull away. You have to give them the freedom to choose for themselves. 

You’ll partner best with them when they feel they can balance autonomy with connection. They do highly value their connection with you. They just want that connection to happen on their own terms.